In my work as a family building practitioner, I have the privilege of walking alongside individuals and couples through all stages of their family planning journey from pre-conception, during fertility treatments, throughout pregnancy, and even post-birth. One of the most common themes that arises in my sessions is this: couples often struggle with feeling like they’re truly in it together.
Fertility challenges can be deeply isolating, not just from friends or family, but sometimes even from the person you love most. What begins as a shared hope can slowly feel like an individual experience for each partner, as emotions, the physical demands of trying to conceive, and the overall stress of infertility present in different ways. As hard and uncertain as the journey can be however, it can also offer incredible opportunities for growth, intimacy, and deepened connection.
Connection Over Correction
When facing fertility challenges, many couples slip into roles of problem-solver and protector, trying to fix what hurts or avoid what’s overwhelming. While well-intentioned, this often leads to emotional distance. What partners really benefit from is connection, not correction. Offering your presence, your listening ear, and your empathy without trying to change how the other feels can be more healing than any advice given.
Different Experiences, Shared Path
It’s important to recognize that while the journey towards parenthood is shared, the experience of treatment, loss and pain it is rarely identical. One partner may be undergoing the physical aspects of treatment, while the other supports from the sidelines. One may feel hopeful; the other fearful. These differences are not a sign of disconnection but an invitation to deepen understanding and hold space for each other’s unique emotional process.
Redefining Intimacy
Fertility challenges often alter a couple’s sexual connection. Timed intercourse, performance pressure, or physical discomfort can all change the way sex feels (emotionally and somatically), sometimes making it more stressful, clinical and distant than bonding, passionate and authentic. It’s important to remember though, that intimacy is not only about what happens in the bedroom.
This journey can offer a chance to redefine what intimacy looks like. Maybe it’s holding hands during an injection. Maybe it’s crying together after a hard day. Maybe it’s a shared moment of laughter or playfulness. Maybe it’s even in the quiet moments of waiting. These expressions of vulnerability, comfort, and care are intimacy. They build emotional closeness and are a reminder that intimacy is less about performance, and more about overall presence.
Making Decisions Together
From choosing a fertility clinic to deciding on treatment options to exploring alternative routes to parenthood, this journey is full of decision points and decision burn out. Facing them as a team by openly discussing your hopes, fears, and limits helps reinforces your partnership and reduces feelings of isolation or imbalance. No decision should rest on one partner alone. This process is not just about outcomes; it’s about building resilience as you navigate big choices together.
Supporting Each Other Through the Milestones
The fertility journey can very often feel like an endless series of steps, from the initial screening, medication protocols, treatment procedures, and infamous waits. Each phase can bring its own stressors, as well as emotional and logistical demands. Supporting each other in meaningful ways can help buffer these hard moments and can look like:
- Medical screening & appointments: Attending appointments together, Face Timing or debriefing after if you can’t be there in person.
- Being an active participant in medical discussions: Creating a list of questions to ask the clinical team together and taking notes during doctor visits to ease the mental load.
- Treatment cycles: Sharing the responsibility of booking appointments, helping with injection preparation and administration, offering encouragement and check in with each other often.
- The two-week wait: This period can be especially anxiety-inducing. Decide together how you want to manage it, whether by distraction, ritual, or retreat. Let your partner know what helps, and what doesn’t.
- Watch out for common communication “pitfalls”: like blaming or assuming the other person knows how you feel. Silence can quickly turn into emotional distance, and assumptions often lead to misunderstandings.
- Celebrating small milestones: Like finishing a round of meds or showing up on tough days.
Resilience when all there seems to be is uncertainty
Fertility journeys are often filled with waiting, hoping, and recalibrating. It’s not easy, but it can be a crucible for resilience. The couples who emerge stronger aren’t the ones who avoided stress, but the ones who leaned into the hard moments together. Your relationship is not on pause while you pursue parenthood. In fact, it’s being reshaped and deepened in unexpected ways. The intimacy you redefine from this journey, the partnership you focus on and resilience you nurture together during these uncertain times will help you form a stronger foundation in your relationship, no matter what the future holds.