Jemma* enters my office and sits in her usual spot, reaching for a tissue to wipe away tears that are already flowing. She sought therapy two years ago to help her cope with perfectionistic tendencies, but now she’s here for a different reason: she and her husband have been experiencing infertility for the past three years. She fiddles with the dampened tissue on her lap, avoiding eye contact with me.
“I just hate everything about my body,” she begins. “Why can’t it just make a baby? What did I do to deserve this?”
As a therapist who specializes in supporting folks experiencing infertility, I’ve learned that this type of self-criticism is common. When one’s body is so involved in the process, infertility can feel like a personal failure, especially among women.
So, what can you do when the self-criticism strikes? How can you be kind to yourself throughout this journey? Read on to learn more.
Self-Compassion: The Key Ingredient
The word compassion comes from Latin and Greek to mean to suffer with. It involves seeing someone’s suffering and having a desire to alleviate it. Self-compassion, then, involves recognizing your own pain without judgment or criticism and tending to it with kindness.
Dr. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, champions of research in this area, highlight that when things don’t go our way or we feel inadequate, we tend to respond in three main ways: (1) self-judgment (harsh and negative self-talk) (2) self-isolation (pulling back from others because we’re embarrassed or feel inadequate), and (3) self-absorption/over-identification (buying into negative stories about our hardships and being overwhelmed by our emotions).
Let’s use Jemma as an example. After her first visit to the infertility clinic, she was adamant about not telling any of her friends about her and her husband’s struggles. This was her practicing self-isolation due to the shame she felt about being unable to conceive naturally. Everyone else is able to get pregnant, she’d disclosed in therapy. Why can’t I? Clearly there’s something wrong with me. This is Jemma practicing both self-criticism and self-absorption: by telling herself that becoming pregnant is “natural” for everyone else, she’s creating a story that she’s defective, broken, and different from everyone else. The reality is that 1 in 6 couples experience some form of infertility, according to the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada.
Now, Jemma has (unintentionally and unknowingly) added insult to injury: as if infertility isn’t hard enough, her response is only increasing her suffering. And though we may not be able to change the results we get from various tests and treatments, we can change how we respond to ourselves in the moment.
Paths to Self-Compassion
Now that we understand what self-compassion is—noticing your own pain and tending to it with kindness—how do we actually practice? In Neff and Germer’s eight-week mindfulness self-compassion program, they identify five paths to self-compassion:
- Swap self-absorption with mindfulness.
There’s an expression I once heard that says, “Thoughts are the music of our emotions.” Feeling sad produces thoughts like “why bother?” or “what’s the point?” Feeling angry produces angry thoughts like “it’s unfair.” Self-compassion involves taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that we aren’t suppressing them or over-exaggerating them.
While ‘mindfulness’ is a big buzzword these days, it’s really just about cultivating awareness of your present experiences without judgment. When you’re practicing mindfulness, you’re simply aware of your moment-to-moment experience with openness and curiosity.
One way to practice this is to name what’s happening inside without judgement. You might say to yourself, I’m experiencing anger right now. I’m noticing that my thoughts are becoming harsh and critical. You aren’t resisting the experience or judging yourself for it; you’re noticing and allowing it.
Just as we can be mindful about our thoughts, we can practice mindfulness around our physical sensations. I’ve realized that many people I work with haven’t been taught how to feel their feelings. When an emotion arises, I might notice them gripping the armrest a little tighter, willing themselves to not let their tears fall. This emotional suppression only makes things worse in the long run.
In such moments, I’ll invite them to notice what’s happening in their body. There might be tightness in the throat or a heaviness in the chest. We start by noticing and naming these physical sensations. From there, I might invite them to soften the areas that feel tense or tender and remind them that it’s okay to let their emotions flow.
Chris Germer developed a helpful mantra, of sorts, that can be used in moments of emotional overwhelm, which is soften, soothe, and allow. We can soften our physical body or soften how tightly we’re gripping our thoughts. We can soothe ourselves by sending breath to where that emotion is living in our body or placing a hand over our heart. And then we can allow the discomfort to be there. We can abandon any agenda to get rid of the emotion, suppress it, or turn it into pleasure. We can allow the discomfort to come and go as it pleases as though it were a guest in our home. And above all, we maintain an attitude that whatever comes up is okay; all feelings and experiences are welcome.
- Swap self-isolation with remembering your common humanity.
It’s easy to feel alone in our suffering, like we’re the only ones who have ever gone through the difficult thing we’re experiencing. However, suffering is universal. All of us are imperfect, vulnerable, and mortal. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that messing up, feeling inadequate, and experiencing hardship are all part of the shared human experience.
Rather than saying, “I shouldn’t be feeling so frustrated right now,” you might remind yourself that anyone going through infertility has likely experienced moments of frustration. This removes you from a place of, “I’m the only one suffering and my reaction is not normal,” to “all people suffer, and my response makes sense.”
In the words of Dr. Donald Siegal, “We’re not trying to get rid of the feeling, but we are trying to provide a sense of holding and comfort in the midst of it.”
- Swap self-judgment with self-kindness.
Self-criticism involves having a harsh, negative, and judgmental attitude towards yourself and your experiences. In addition to practicing mindfulness around these harmful self-talk—by noticing the words we’re telling ourselves rather than fully latching onto them—we can practice self-kindness in the following ways:
- Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend. If a friend were going through infertility, hopefully you wouldn’t tell her that she’s a “failure” and that she should “just give up already.” You’d probably validate her feelings, allow her to be upset, and give her a hug. Do this with yourself: remind yourself that your emotions are valid. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Give yourself a hug. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.
- Treat yourself with kindness. Ask yourself, “What’s one small thing I can do right now to show myself respect and kindness?” This doesn’t have to be big! Perhaps you can take a shower or make yourself a nice cup of tea. If this is difficult at first, consider asking yourself, “If a friend was going through a hard time, what’s one small thing I would do to show her I’m thinking about her?” Perhaps this will send you to the local florist to buy yourself a nice bouquet. Or, you can consider writing yourself a self-compassion letter, where you write a letter to yourself from a friend’s perspective.
- Schedule small pleasures without guilt. Let yourself enjoy something purely because it feels good—a walk, a nap, or listening to music. Treat this as an essential component of self-care right now, not as something that’s “indulgent” or “unnecessary.”
Jemma releases a long, steady exhale. Her energy feels grounded and calm as she sits more upright. Though her situation hasn’t changed, her response has: rather than seeing herself as “broken,” she knows that she’s doing her best. Rather than telling herself that no one could possibly understand what it’s like to go through infertility, she thinks of a work colleague who used a sperm donor to conceive. Feelings of isolation have been replaced with hope and gratitude. And while self-compassion doesn’t erase the pain, it can make the load a little lighter. And in that space of gentleness, you can create some room to breathe, to settle, and keep going.
Kristina Virro is a Registered Psychotherapist committed to reshaping how we think about therapy and mental health. Her clinic, Fresh Insight, supports individuals of all ages and backgrounds in feeling less stuck, more empowered, and more hopeful about their lives. Kristina’s expertise and approachable style have made her a trusted voice in the media, with features in Buzzfeed, CP24 Live, Canadian Living, and numerous podcasts, television, and radio programs. When she’s not helping others find clarity and confidence, she’s likely knitting her 900th pair of socks or smothering her cats with affection.