In the early days of September, it’s almost impossible to go anywhere without being reminded that school is starting again. Grocery stores and pharmacies fill their entrances with notebooks and lunch kits. Shopping malls advertise new clothes and backpacks. Billboards and commercials announce the return to school, and our social feeds fill with first-day photos of children standing on front steps, another year older.
When you’re trying to grow your family, it can feel relentless.
Back-to-school is such a visible marker of time passing, and it can bring you face-to-face with where you thought you might be by now. Maybe last September you imagined that by this year, you’d be pregnant. Maybe you thought you’d have a baby. Maybe another school year beginning brings the painful realization that you’re still trying, still waiting, and still living with far more uncertainty than you ever expected.
When you’re longing to grow your family, it’s natural to imagine your life unfolding around certain milestones. Maybe by Christmas. Maybe by summer. Surely by next September. We attach hopes to these points in time without even realizing it, imagining where we might be by then.
And then September arrives.
Why back-to-school can hit so hard
Back-to-school can bring up a complicated mix of emotions. You can love the children in your life and feel genuinely happy for the people you care about, while also feeling sadness, envy or grief about what is happening in your own life. If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss or secondary infertility, this time of year may hold its own particular reminders of the family you imagined.
So when back-to-school season is feeling particularly tender, what can you do to protect your heart?
1. Reduce the reminders you can control
You can’t avoid back-to-school season entirely, but you can make choices about some of what you take in.
Social media is an obvious place to start. If you know that scrolling through dozens of first-day-of-school photos is going to hurt, consider taking a few days off. Mute particular accounts for a while. Stay off Instagram or Facebook when you know your feed will be especially full.
Sometimes there is a meaningful difference between choosing when you want to see something and having it appear unexpectedly while you’re scrolling. Giving yourself that choice can be a small way of taking care of yourself during a time when so much else feels outside your control.
2. Notice where your mind goes next
Sometimes it isn’t only the reminder itself that hurts. Within seconds, our minds can take us from seeing a first-day-of-school photo to Another year has passed. What if this never happens for us? It’s never going to be my turn. And from there, it’s easy to get swept into all the possible scenarios of what the future might hold.
One of the practices I use in Ground to Grow is simply recognizing when this is happening and quietly naming our experience: I’m noticing how much this is bringing up for me. There’s good evidence for something called “affect labeling,” the simple act of putting our emotional experience into words. Research suggests that naming what we’re feeling can reduce emotional reactivity and help create a little more space around what is happening.
We can do something similar with our thoughts. Try putting the words I’m noticing I’m having the thought that… in front of whatever your mind is telling you: I’m noticing I’m having the thought that it’s never going to be my turn.
It’s a small shift, but an important one. It’s never going to be my turn can feel completely true in a painful moment, but it is a thought about a future we simply cannot know. Our minds are remarkably good at filling in that uncertainty, often by imagining the hardest possible outcome.
When you notice yourself getting pulled into the what ifs, see if you can come back to a much smaller question: What do I actually know right now, and what is my mind filling in? You might notice that your mind is already living months or years ahead, trying to prepare you for something that hasn’t happened.
Bring the time horizon closer. You don’t need to figure out next September from where you are today. Come back to what is actually happening now, before your mind has filled in all the unknowns. Sometimes recognizing the difference between what is happening and what I’m afraid might happen is enough to loosen the grip of the thought, even just a little.
3. Ask what would feel supportive right now
Once you’ve noticed what’s happening, the next step can be turning toward yourself with a little more care.
When something hurts, we often add another layer by judging ourselves for our reaction. Why am I so jealous? I should be happy for them. Why can’t I just handle this better?
Try imagining how you would respond if someone you cared about told you that another year of back-to-school photos had unexpectedly broken their heart. Chances are, you would understand.
See if you can offer some of that same understanding to yourself. Ask, What would feel supportive right now?
The answer might be closing Instagram, going for a walk, having a good cry, or texting the person who understands why today is hard without needing a long explanation. It might mean declining an invitation, changing the subject or deciding that today isn’t the day to wander through the mall.
There is no single right response. What helps one day may feel completely different the next.
4. Make room for what is beautiful, too
When so much of your attention is pulled toward what you’re waiting for, it can become harder to notice the other parts of your life that are happening alongside it.
The early days of September have their own particular beauty. The light begins to change. Mornings are a little cooler. Blackberries are still ripening along the trails while the first leaves begin to turn.
See if you can let yourself notice some of that, too. Warm sun on your face, a really good cup of coffee, your dog delighted to be out for a walk, dinner with someone you love, or ten quiet minutes outside at the end of the day.
Making room for these moments doesn’t diminish the grief or longing you may be feeling. Our lives are rarely just one thing. We can be heartbroken about what hasn’t happened and still laugh at dinner. We can feel deeply uncertain about the future and notice that the evening light is beautiful. We can long for a child and continue to be touched by the life that is already here.
If September is feeling particularly hard this year, be kind with yourself. Another school year beginning can hold a lot more than backpacks and first-day photos. It can carry hopes, imagined timelines, grief and the awareness of another year passing.
You may not be able to change what this season brings up. But you can pay attention to what feels tender, protect your heart where you can, and allow moments of beauty and connection to reach you, too.
