I’m a man and I’m infertile.
To begin with, learning that you’re infertile is not easy at all. And without minimizing the distress of women who go through the same thing, receiving this news as a man adds another dimension: it directly shakes our sense of masculinity.
Being a “real” man still comes with its share of preconceived ideas and stubborn stereotypes. A real man doesn’t show weakness, always stays in control, knows what to do in every situation, and doesn’t show his emotions… you get the idea. Although things have changed a lot in recent years, the shadow of that mindset still hangs over us more than we realize. Until recently, I had unconsciously reduced my emotional range to three options: things are going well, things are going badly, or I need to poop.
So imagine this: receiving a diagnosis of azoospermia (a great Scrabble word, meaning that you don’t produce any sperm) was a monumental emotional puzzle. My body produces no sperm. None! Zero! Nothing! Nada! Not even one little survivor like Matt Damon in The Martian. In short, it wasn’t easy.
And yet, I never defined my masculinity by my physical appearance. Honestly, if you saw me, you’d understand that back in the Cro-Magnon days, I probably would have been assigned to gathering berries rather than hunting mammoths. But even so, this news planted a seed of doubt. Facing infertility forced me to think about questions that you fertile Muggles have probably never had to ask yourselves: Is it my fault? Why me? If I have children through other means, will they still see me as their dad? What exactly is my purpose? As you can see, it quickly becomes existential. It’s far from simple for a guy who isn’t used to dealing with this many emotions and who has no role model to turn to.
What frustrated me the most was the feeling that my choice had been taken away from me. At that point, I hadn’t even decided whether I wanted children or not. But I can tell you this: having the ability to choose taken away from you is deeply upsetting. I felt like every door was closing in front of me before I had even started moving forward. It’s extremely frustrating not being able to do what seems like the most natural, instinctive, and simple thing in the world: reproduce. Having a child is so easy for some people that you may have even done it by accident.
As if dealing with that feeling of helplessness wasn’t difficult enough, you also have to deal with other people’s reactions, awkward and hurtful comments, and above all, a general lack of understanding. Most of the time, it isn’t meant to be hurtful, but it still hurts. Yes, certain things affect us too, even when we pretend everything is fine. One day, a stranger I had just told about my infertility said that it must be terrible, at my age, to no longer be able to get an erection… Like many people, he was confusing infertility with impotence — which shows just how little the general public understands about male infertility. Let me reassure you: in that department, everything works perfectly. The problem happens a little further along in the production line.
For a man, being infertile can feel like having your instinctive role as a “provider of life” taken away from you. It’s difficult. Of course, regardless of gender, infertility comes with its own challenges. My goal with this piece is simply to start a conversation that desperately lacks space. Because we men are often not very good at talking about our problems or our emotions. Sometimes it’s because of fear, a lack of vocabulary, a lack of experience, or simply because we don’t yet understand or accept what we’re feeling.
So, if you are an infertile man, don’t hesitate to talk about what you’re going through as best as you can.The more we talk about it, the easier it will become for the generations that follow. Do you want to be a dad? Being a dad also means setting an example — showing that masculinity can be expressed in a thousand different ways and paving the way for those who come after us.
About the Author
Sébastien Haché is a comedian, creator of the one-man show Tirer à blanc (Blank Shots), and host of the podcast of the same name on Radio-Canada’s Ohdio platform, where he explores an important question: Why is infertility still a taboo subject? Through humor, honesty, and his own lived experience, Sébastien is helping open the conversation around male infertility and break the stigma that too often surrounds it.
To learn more about his work, visit www.sebastienhache.com.